he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Your cock deserves a montage
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
