Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
