She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
