Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
