And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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