I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Randomize