Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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