I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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