Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
