Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
