textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
