Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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