Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I could make wine with my vomit
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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