whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize