You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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