Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
