Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
