miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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