Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
