I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
do herpes really smell.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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