I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
