We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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