Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
