Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
