She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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