apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
