allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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