I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I want to be your penis for a week.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Please don't give away my fajitas
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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