he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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