Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
