First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
