haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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