my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize