I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
