No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
