Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize