it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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