totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
