I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
