just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
