go do what you do best...puke behind churches
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
