Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
