walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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