this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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