Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize