no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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