she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
