You smell like stripper and shame
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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