dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
