Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
