yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
This toilet bowl is my home.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
