My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
