i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize