I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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