You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize