I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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