so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize