proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
