Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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