Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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