Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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