Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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