I skipped work to stalk him.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
