Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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