Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
