my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
