Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
