hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Someone shattered a urinal.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
