I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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