I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
