ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It's official drugs can't kill me
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
