At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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